molested on the train from Delhi to Hyderabad

I wrote this after my first trip back from Delhi in early April. I wrote this to get un-lost.

"So I'll do what I can to put the past few days into perspective for you, working back and forth as it does for me right now. On Wednesday evening around almost 11 pm my train left from Delhi to come back to Hyderabad. I had gone on Sunday in order to get my visa converted in order to stay in India until the beginning of August. On the train, I had the uppermost bunk on the left side of the designated compartment. The piece of technology that divides me from the person in the other compartment with the same bed (the uppermost bunk on the right hand side) is a blue metal fence, which until now I thought only held a sliver of open space at the top. Around what I think was 1 or 2 am I woke up to the person in the mirroring compartment attempting to grope me in my sleep, as I swatted away their hand. Even though it was only a couple of days ago, I've kind of lost the ability to describe it much after that. Something that I do remember, and probably so much so because I still feel it while I'm writing this now, is this feeling of dread, and I felt it really pitifully. After waking up to that I immediately stiffened and put together whatever it was that I had to put together in order to register what was going on. I really want to tell you that I flipped the lights on, that I slammed that piece of shit fence between me and him and woke everybody up in order to ask him what the fucking idea was, and still I know that I deserved every single one of those moments. But what happened was is that I buried myself further under the blanket and sweat myself clammy, knowing him to be so-fully-there and unwavering, but still keeping with this veiled reasoning that not actually placing eyes on him would allow this situation to remain in a hallucinatory state. Though from the way that I kept my eyes transfixed on the barrier between us, glancing between it and the alarm cord beside my head which stops the train, quietly fishing in my pockets for my lighter, and just the overall discretion I was using about the whole thing, well, I could say a lot about that here but I think you probably know something about ambivalence. And so the rest of the 28 hour train ride was kind of like that, caught in the anticipation of something that already happened and of course knowing that that didn't stop me from being sexually harassed again. Waking up in the morning on the train, the other compartment was empty and a perfectly decent train ride ruined. Outside it was cloudy with a come rain or come shine temperament, but I guess I was feeling pretty adverse to most things at that point so I just stayed up in my bunk and placated until it was 5 am the next morning and I was waiting to get off at Nampally station. And if you can believe it, after all of what felt like an immensely dull moment as I got off the train and heard the auto driver speaking to me, I saw myself kind of sad about having to go. I didn't necessarily feel healthy about all this, though I did feel humanly about it, for whatever that's worth. I guess you could say that something important had happened for me there and I'm sure the cognitive forces are at work with that."